I’ve been thinking…

which is never a good sign…  

Everyone knows that unicorns poop rainbows – but did you know that dragons poo diamonds?  
It makes perfectly logical sense if you think about it. 
-If memory serves correctly, diamonds are created by immense heat combined with pressure upon carbon.
– We all know that dragons breathe fire, therefore it’s logical that it’s pretty damned hot inside a dragon.
– Dragons eat people. I think it’s fair to say that most people would give me indigestion, especially the kinds of sweaty knights and unwashed peasantry that form the average dragon’s diet (see note #1). Indigestion creates pressure in the guts.
– Anyone who’s ever watched Star Trek knows that humans are a carbon based lifeform.
Therefore. Heat(dragon breath)+ pressure(killer indigestion)+ carbon(based lifeform)= diamond turds
It’s just physics, innit?
Aha! I hear you cry! But if dragons excrete diamonds why did medeival types go to such great lengths to hunt them down?
Well, anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of the history of personal adornment will tell you that diamonds were not much valued until the rennaisance due to human lack of the correct technology to facet them – rough diamonds are just that (see note #2). In fact as I type Godric the pioneering dragon farmer is merrily spinning in his grave because when he declared backruptcy in 657ad (due to the exorbitant price of public liability insurance for dragon farmers and the complete lack of sales of his avant garde dragon turd jewelery range), everyone in the pub said, “Honestly, Godric, what did you think was going to happen? It’s not like the Queen of England is ever going to wear dragon turd earrings, now, is it?”
#1 Yes, I know it’s commonly held knowledge that dragons prefer to eat virgins, but why do you think this is? It’s becuase they don’t make indigestion pills for dragons, so the dragons (very sensibly, I might add) try to regulate thier diet by eating nice bland virgins. Obviously it’s far easier to find a dragon than it is to find a virgin, so the poor dragons have no choice but to eat sweaty knights (suits of armour do not have internal air conditioning systems) and assorted unwashed peasants, thus ending up with terrible indigestion. This, by the way, explains why dragons are so grumpy, becuase who wouldn’t be? Mmmmm, virgin, tastes like chicken…
#2. You didn’t think dragons could poo faceted diamonds, did you? Because, and I quote the great Tiamat, “OW!OW! OW! OWIE!!!! OOOOH ME JACKSIE THE PAIN!!!! OOOOOWWW!”
In completely unrelated news I would very much like a pet dragon. I have an endless supply of chavs it can eat, and I promise to clear up after it when it gets diahorrea.
(btw, original writing by me, not some meme gacked from the internet, so please don’t reproduce without permission)
(And yes, I know this is my sewing blog, and I usually post my ramblings elsewhere, but you all seem to like dragons so I thought I’d post this here as well. I promise sewing tomorrow, honest)

~ by opusanglicanum on June 30, 2015.

28 Responses to “I’ve been thinking…”

  1. Another episode of the fortunes of Godric the Dragon Farmer would be good…

  2. Seems like sensible reasoning to me. Now just find out where Godric left his farmyard sweepings and I’ll help you dig for a small percentage….

  3. Haha, that was genius! Just the sort of giggle I needed in the middle of writing reports!

  4. Thanks for the morning giggle. I’m up to my gills in heavy academic reading – this was just what I needed to set the tone for the day.

  5. ooh, more of Godric, please!

  6. Did the knights in plate armor produce better diamonds then those in chain (with more ventilation)?

    • godric did experiments and found this was indeed the case, since the appaling Bo of the plate armoured knight lead to worse than usual indigestion.

      peasants with cheesy feet apparently had the same result

  7. I think you’re on to something. From the Ivor the Engine episode, Idris the Dragon, we know dragons live in volcanoes. Most diamonds now being mined come from extinct volcanos. Coincidence?…

  8. I too think we need to hear more about the Life and Times of Godric.

  9. if you are absolutely sure that dragons do not eat cats, I would like to know where to order baby-dragons….. (thanks for these ideas 🙂 )

  10. I can almost see the tapestry cycle Godric, his enterprise and the Dragons …

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